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[–]DaisyDoozer 415 points416 points ago

Tell Kids-r-us that the due date is one month earlier than it really is. Otherwise they send you awesome coupons for the shit you already bought.

[–]SwiftExecution 48 points49 points ago

As an ex-employee of Babies R Us, I can confirm this. They send coupons 3-5 weeks before your "due date."

[–]cleansheets 171 points172 points ago

This is actually a good one and should be included! Much better than empty a trash can and splash poop water on yourself because you ate an entire buffalo before going to someone else's house to defecate.

[–]corporationsRpeople2 49 points50 points ago

#82 Never empty a trash can and splash poop water on yourself because you ate an entire buffalo before going to someone else's house to defecate.

[–]intellos 55 points56 points ago

What?

[–]OhHeyHey 565 points566 points ago

With regards to #30--my girlfriend did this at a university parking garage (low-quality paper receipt system) last year, very successfully for a couple of months. When she got caught, they charged her with FORGERY. That's a felony. I had to bail her out of jail, and so far she's shelled out $1500 in legal costs in addition to the $450 bail. Still has yet to go to court. Hopefully, parking officers other places aren't as hard-up about everything.

Edit: Just be careful kids. Be aware of rules/laws where you're trying to park and the fact that in most places (even university parking lots) it's a felony. Also, in general, don't forge. Forging's bad.

[–]obilex 227 points228 points ago

This happened to me as well, I was a dumb freshman in college. I made an exact replica of the parking permit, which successfully let me park for free for a month and a half! WOOO! Then one day, UPD knocks on my door and asks where I got the permit from. Apparently he was issuing a parking ticket to the car next to mine, and noticed my sticker didnt have a fucking dime sized hologram like hte rest, so he ran the numbers and it didnt match my car. I said that I had made it on my computer, which he then told me to grab b/c we were headed to the station. I then carried my pc to the cop car and rode with him to be booked at the station for "Forgery of a federal document," class D felony. Lucky for me, they knocked it down to a misdemeanor due to the fact that I had never so much as gotten a parking ticket before that. They gave me a year of ACOD and 100 hrs of community service. 1800 dollars later, I felt like a complete idiot for not just paying for the 50 dollar permit in the first place.

Remember kids, crime doesn't pay.

[–]koryface 199 points200 points ago

Never give the cops your computer without a warrant. There is a cheat code for you.

[–]DanceGriffinDance 84 points85 points ago

"Aren't you sharp as a tack. You some type of lawyer or something, somebody important or something?"

[–]DefinitelyADoctor 112 points113 points ago

Well, I ain't pass the bar but I know more than a tutor,

enough that you won't illegally search my computer

[–]MrMastodon 7 points8 points ago

Nice save.

[–]nilved 163 points164 points ago

I said that I had made it on my computer

why

[–]Ninjagirlinlove 217 points218 points ago

Right? I've forged things hundreds of times, when asked? " Oh there was a kid selling them about an hour ago, he said he bought it and didn't need it. What did he look like? Brown hair, jeans, blue shirt... Honest, officer, I had no idea that wasn't allowed!"

[–]windjackass 48 points49 points ago

This is the only correct reply to that question.

[–]godlessfuck 36 points37 points ago

No shit, if you're gonna forge a parking permit why is suddenly lying that you bought it off craigslist or something suddenly going to far? I can't believe anyone would think saying "Oh, I just made it, it's a forgery" is somehow a good idea.

[–]Occasionally_I_Troll 38 points39 points ago

"UPD knocks on my door and asks where I got the permit from...

I said that I had made it on my computer"

This is where you TOTALLY FUCKED UP.

Next time, answer no questions and lawyer up. Better yet, DON'T EVEN ANSWER THE DOOR when you know you've got something to hide.

[–]LifeBandit666 71 points72 points ago

"I found it" is the correct answer to any question of "Where did you get -this- from?" by a Cop

[–]ihahp 235 points236 points ago

Actually "I don't remember" is the only thing to say that won't further incriminate you later.

[–]CriticalHalt 57 points58 points ago

In almost all cases (example: not murder) you are completely 100% correct and should be give 1billion Karma points. I offer you 1.

[–]badgerfish 28 points29 points ago

Or ''One of you mini-Hitler bastards put it there''

Then proceed to slam the door in their face whilst mumbling some anti-authoritarian rage.

[–]davebawx 67 points68 points ago

how did they catch her?

[–]frisky_business2 110 points111 points ago

Can you imagine the same guy going around and checking similar cars all day everyday? You would think he probably noticed her car at some point and being like "Dam this person buys tons of these passes when all they need is a yearly one that's cheaper." Then the parking guy might get suspicious seeing it everyday then eventually call it in to find out the truth. That's probably how she got caught.

[–]jaycrew 9 points10 points ago

Or they see the same person walking directly from their car to class every day without waiting in line for a ticket at the booth...

[–]nerfherder998 21 points22 points ago

Or after a few years they get really good at knowing what they look like, how they wrinkle, how the light reflects off them, and every other little detail.

Imagine you work in Taco Bell and all you do is put the required fillings in tacos all day long. You'd be able to tell instantly if there was too much cheese on one of them. Hand me the same taco, I'd never notice.

[–]YouCantOutrunABear 52 points53 points ago

I'll definitely confirm this. Not with tacos, but ore mill processing samples. After less than a year of prepping process line samples daily I could look at a pan full of mud and within half a second tell you where/when it was sampled along with the approximate level of metals concentration. It's literally all just wet dirt in varying shades of grey or black.

(The saddest moment of my life was when I was trying to describe my car to a friend and told them it was "the colour of a 30% Zinc Concentrate".)

[–]racecarjerry 44 points45 points ago

A metrosexual, nerdy girl, hot chick, stoner dude, and a great dane chased her around for a bit. She would've gotten away with it too...

[–]Fishicles 5 points6 points ago

If it weren't for those meddling kids...

[–]SW4506 54 points55 points ago

Damn crimes and their consequences.

[–]illicium 241 points242 points ago

Who would've thought stealing would have consequences? ;)

[–]withholdinginfo 113 points114 points ago

Damn straight. Universities will continue to rob and one day it'll all fall apart and the pitchforks come out.

[–]ornate_bubble 38 points39 points ago

upvote to avoid this happening to someone else

[–]houseofthebluelights 54 points55 points ago

Smile when talking on the phone, especially to customer service people. You'll get better service.

[–]MsMish24 23 points24 points ago

This is extremely good advice. Smile when on the phone in general. It comes through in your voice.

[–]davidmvdg 18 points19 points ago

Smile when you are faxing too

[–]Noturordinaryguy 118 points119 points ago

number 66. Wait, what?

[–]Creeper_madness 40 points41 points ago

Pretty sure it's a joke.

[–]iamstephano 6 points7 points ago

Some people on here seem to be oblivious to humor.

[–]wariobalotelli 131 points132 points ago

Yeah that seemed exceedingly myopic. Not really a cheat either. I'm not using a binocular to read roadsigns, I'm trying to catch my hot neighbor changing in a discrete manner. "Standing closer" isn't an option.

[–]matthewtheninja 64 points65 points ago

Agreed. Binoculars are for seeing far away when you either can't get closer, like in the nosebleeds at a ball game or when doing so might get you in trouble, like with your hot neighbor. Or in my imagination: scanning for post-apocalypse enemies in the little town you want to scavenge.

[–]isoceans 36 points37 points ago

Oh that gets me excited, why can't we just have our post apocalyptic world already!?

[–]Fionnlagh 16 points17 points ago

Because statistically you would die in that world. Quickly.

[–]nixonrichard 7 points8 points ago

Not me. I've spent my entire life preparing to take advantage of others in times of crisis.

[–]opusinwub 277 points278 points ago

I just wanted to point out something.... I work at a music venue, and the whole "I've got the ice" thing will get you punched in the face by our 300lb bouncers. We've got $10,000 in speakers and Pro Tools HD with a $5,0000 console. I don't even know what lights add up to. We can afford the ice machine.

[–]superjj85 105 points106 points ago

Not to mention that the ice guy, if there were such a guy, probably wouldn't enter the concert where all the patrons line up.

[–]GoldwaterAndTea 173 points174 points ago

And he probably wouldn't be wearing a Slayer shirt.

[–]hankofthehill 99 points100 points ago

Yup, that one's complete bullshit. They should take it down.

[–]CellistMakar 89 points90 points ago

I do like the Simpsons version though, where Homer strolls up in a cap and green coat with a sack, and introduces himself in an Irish accent as "the potato man".

[–]UndeadSalad 68 points69 points ago

"Where the hell have you been?"

[–]MsMish24 83 points84 points ago

Even small bar venues have an ice machine. I can't see this working anywhere except maybe a poorly secured festival or something.

[–]cleansheets 8 points9 points ago

I wondered about that one, too. And if somehow a club doesn't have an ice-maker, surely a barback or the owner's kid or some such buys the ice. Or if ice is really delivered, it's probably the same guy or at least company all the time.

[–]moustache_ridez 36 points37 points ago

Awesome list, thanks. Adding to #25- I take a cell pic of my hotel room key held up next to my hotel door number. Time shift to later on when Drunkie McStumbleshome needs to know where to go and what replacement key to beg for. I also take a pic of my car keys in my hand next to my valet ticket that I will soon lose.

[–]Wonderpful 8 points9 points ago

You had me at Drunkie McStumbleshome.

[–]fodets 388 points389 points ago

Rule #82 - Skip Rules 41-49. Edit: 81 was taken.. ;)

[–]crazy1000 408 points409 points ago

I can't imagine how many people you just made scroll up.

[–]SUDDENLY_FECES 103 points104 points ago

Me, for one :/

[–]nitesmoke 16 points17 points ago

It's a good thing he removed them. I don't think the average redditor can handle that type of information.

[–]itsreaditpeople 28 points29 points ago

All of them.

[–]todles 6 points7 points ago

every..single..one

[–]Tomcfitz 87 points88 points ago

what... were they?

[–]QuasiStellar 110 points111 points ago

As far as I can tell, they were never there. OP accidentally skipped those numbers.

[–]bacongobbler[S] 87 points88 points ago

Correct, I stuffed up.

[–]UNEification 9 points10 points ago

It's cool man, I can tell this took you hours! Thank you!

[–]runswithcoyotes 10 points11 points ago

I accidentally a nine numbers.

[–]Tomcfitz 39 points40 points ago

Ah. Well. Fuck that's annoying.

[–]fodets 20 points21 points ago

I like that they put number 81 up there, I'm def following that rule from now on.

[–]napalm588 66 points67 points ago

add:

When you go to the grocery store, don't worry about trying to park closest to the door, park closest to where you drop the cart off, youre going to be walking there anyways, so walking distance will be just as short this way.

[–]cptspiffy 40 points41 points ago

I live in the desert; we don't park for proximity to the front door, we park for shade.

[–]A_Dapper_Gentleman 116 points117 points ago

Don't do #80. I'm sure it'll work here and there, but even a moderately competent writing professor can tell when you're pandering to their ideals. My students do this all the time, and I always call them out on it. Just because we share a particular opinion/ideology doesn't mean you offered a strong argument for it.

I can't tell you how many shitty gay marriage advocacy papers I've gotten.

I do agree, though, that correct margins, font, header/footer format, citation format, STAPLING, etc. make a good impression. It at least implies that you probably spent a decent amount of time on your paper and actually proofread! And that's rarer than I first thought it'd be.

[–]Swamp32 19 points20 points ago

I replied something similar in a comment above: don't try to pander to your professor. She/he reads the same lame arguments from students trying to match your opinions all day long and it gets boring and annoying unless there seems to be interesting warrant for the arguments.

[–]j-dog205 8 points9 points ago

Some teachers/ professors would actually prefer watching you challenge their views. If you have good points and a valid argument that impresses them, that will get the A. On essays, thinking outside the box to answer the prompt is the name of the game.

[–]joshbike 207 points208 points ago

wave at a cop? I would get pulled over for being a smartass.

[–]deviant_devices 91 points92 points ago

Quote from my friendly neighborhood Police Officer, about 5 minutes before someone came speeding down a residential street: "The guilty ones always wave." The speeder waved.

[–]timeticker 154 points155 points ago

It is also a good idea to bring a spare airsoft pistol to wave in the air as it provides a more visible motion that better attracts their attention.

[–]RottingAwesome 70 points71 points ago

Be sure to paint over the orange tip or else the officer won't think you're worth their time.

[–]NeonBodyStyle 80 points81 points ago

I don't see the logic in this one. A cop is gonna tag you with his radar gun, pull out and catch up to you, and then think, "Oh, well he's waving. Fuck it, I'll let him go."?

[–]joonix 27 points28 points ago

My friend once waved at a cop. The cop later pulled him over and accused him of flicking him off. He got a fat ticket.

[–]netbook_nancy 8 points9 points ago

in england, to "flick someone off" means to manually pleasure someone's clitoris

[–]boomfarmer 87 points88 points ago

[–]bacongobbler[S] 25 points26 points ago

Thanks, I'll update that now.

[–]Warlizard 342 points343 points ago

The amount of work you put into this is staggering. Thanks bud.

[–]bacongobbler[S] 385 points386 points ago

Thanks mate.

[–]We_Are_Legion 31 points32 points ago

THIS IS NOT THE MAN FROM WARLIWIZARD GAMING FORUMS YOU ARE LOOKING FOR.

[–]ArrogantGod 584 points585 points ago

IANAL so this shouldnt be taken as legal advice, but this has worked every time for me (in California).

If you receive an infraction (such as a speeding ticket, cell phone ticket or red light ticket) plead "not guilty" but do not pay any money ie the "bail." They will send a threatening letter in about 60 days saying you have not paid the bail and that you are subject to a default judgement against you. At this time request the case be dismissed under PC 1382.

California Penal Code § 1382(a)(3) says that anyone accused of an infraction or misdemeanor who is out of custody has the right to be tried w/i 45 days of arraignment. VC § 40519(b) says that if you place bail after receiving a notice to appear on an infraction you give up your right to a speedy trial.

What the above laws mean is that after you enter a plea of "not guilty" they have 45 days to hold a trial, if they fail to do so the case MUST be dismissed (you are innocent) because they violated your right to a speedy trial.

Edit to explain more clearly how this works California Penal Code § 1382 defines your right to a speedy trial. http://law.onecle.com/california/penal/1382.html It says, for an infraction once you've been arraigned (informed that they are charging you) and entered a plea of not guilty they have 45 days to start the trial or the charges MUST be dismissed.

VC § 40519 http://law.onecle.com/california/vehicle/40519.html Says that for vehicle infractions like speeding tickets you can be charged and enter a plea by mail. If you do so you must send bail in the amount you would pay if you lose. If you do both of these things you lose your right to a speedy trial.

So when you mail back your plea of not guilty without paying the bail and demand a trial the clock starts ticking. They wont set the trail date because you didnt pay the bail.

After about 60 days they will send you a reminder. Write back saying that they violated California Penal Code § 1382(a)(3) by not starting the trial within 45 days and ask they dismiss the case. For me this works every time.

Most likely what is happening is that the clerk looks up PC § 1382, but doesnt know that you never actually entered a valid plea under VC § 40519 and dumps your case into the "to be dismissed" stack.

[–]bucsboy47 169 points170 points ago

It baffles me that these loopholes exist

[–]ArrogantGod 304 points305 points ago

It's not really a loophole. The reason that it works is because the tickets arent about upholding the law. They are about collecting money. The courts are willing to drop these $400+ tickets if you make the slightest effort to fight them because there is a line of people who will just pay them.

What baffles me is that we the people allow the courts to be used to collect revenue and fill for-profit prisons instead of actually promoting order and lawful behavior.

[–]Funnestbag 122 points123 points ago

You are reducing a complex problem into a trite, unarguable absolute and it makes me sad how many people seem to support that line of thinking.

[–]oober349 22 points23 points ago

Is there no such thing as a simple problem? It just seems to me that it's just as unreasonable when someone condescendingly says "Oh, that's way more complex and you're wrong!" without making a case for why the original person's argument is flawed as they claim the original person's argument is.

[–]10z20Luka 85 points86 points ago

Welcome to reddit. Above you will find your baseless sensationalism. Aaaaand to the left you'll notice a group of students blaming cancer on the US government.

Have a nice stay and remember, a complacent redditor is a good redditor!

[–]DJ_IllI_Ill 202 points203 points ago

It should be noted that PC 1382 is specific to California. Don't try this if you live in another state without researching your own state's laws first!

[–]kckman 75 points76 points ago

Not only should it be noted, it apparently was..

[–]vapulate 32 points33 points ago

i wouldn't even know how to look up whether this exists in other states... does this exist in NJ?

[–]NewAlt 27 points28 points ago

The 6th amendment applies to all states but the specifics can vary. Rule 83, don't take dubious legal advice from non-lawyer redditors.

[–]JoshGirolamo 42 points43 points ago

Skateboarders use this a lot when they get in trouble with the law for skating on private property, it was in a magazine about 2 or 3 years ago. I think one of the pros has saved over a thousand dollars doing this because the cop never tried him over an 80 dollar ticket

[–]Jaxter1123 13 points14 points ago

How would i go about looking this up in a different state? I live in texas

[–]purplepansy11 110 points111 points ago

I am a lawyer. This is not good advice. 40519 is not saying you give up your right to a speedy trial by paying bail, instead you give up your right by pleading through the mail. To keep your right, you plead in person. Just read the statute...its there in plain language. The 45 day clock also doesn't start unless you plead in person...and guess what...you don't get to do that without paying your bail. In sum, there is no loophole, and this advice is bad.

Also, Don't subject yourself to a default judgment..that just means you've automatically lost.

[–]ArrogantGod 29 points30 points ago

You might want to read these again.

http://law.onecle.com/california/penal/1382.html http://law.onecle.com/california/vehicle/40519.html

PC 1382 kicks in when you are arraigned and enter a plea it says nothing about doing it in person. VC 40519 only applies if you plead through the mail AND pay the bail

The only argument they can make is that your plea through the mail is not valid under VC 40519 because you didnt pay the bail.

[–]lemurosity 107 points108 points ago

LAWYER FIGHT!!!

FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!

[–]yellin 21 points22 points ago

Come on, rest of the internet. Someone must be able to confirm/deny.

[–]TheRiddler75 6 points7 points ago

(IANAL either)

VC § 40519(b) says that if you place bail after receiving a notice to appear on an infraction you give up your right to a speedy trial.

It says more than that. It also says:

The written plea and request to the court or city agency shall be accompanied by a deposit consisting of the amount of bail established pursuant to Section 1269b of the Penal Code

I read that as if you don't pay the fine, you're in violation of VC § 40519(b).

And

Upon receipt of the plea and deposit, the case shall be set for arraignment and trial

So that means you are not set for arraignment until you pay your fine.

BUT

If you look up previous case law (BARBARA JEAN CHARTUCK, Plaintiff and Respondent, v. THE MUNICIPAL COURT FOR THE WHITTIER JUDICIAL DISTRICT OF LOS ANGELES COUNTY, Defendant and Respondent: THE PEOPLE, Real Party in Interest and Appellant.) you find this:

The only fair implication to be drawn from those sections is that the arraignment is complete when the court "asks him [the defendant] whether he pleads guilty or not guilty" and that the entry of the plea is a separate act, not a part of the arraignment, although it may (or may not) follow at the same session of court.

So...yeah, whatever you can reasonably argue would work, just like all cases.

[–]Monk_I_need_a_monk 183 points184 points ago

for #73:

You can kill a boner by placing one (or two) hands around your erect penis, then tugging furiously for a short period of time.

The more you know.

[–]PhoBoGa 69 points70 points ago

I can confirm this works.

[–]jpr123 21 points22 points ago

That usually results in ripping your penis off.

[–]isaacarsenal 6 points7 points ago

This kills the penis.

[–]SlothOfDoom 83 points84 points ago

22 bothers me a lot because it assumes all toilets will be the same. Unfortunately for this tip, the old rod-and-ballcock toilet is dying technology. Most new toilets (excepting some really shitty ones) come with a new rod-less fill valve, and rod-less fill valves can and should be used as a replacement in your old toilets when parts need to be replaced.

Don't be surprised if you take the lid off the tank and can't find a giant arm and ball.

Since I'm not a heartless dick, allow me to provide images of what you are more likely to see since the old dinosaurs are dying out.

Example 1 This fluidmaster (and many similar knock-offs) come in most major brands of toilets purchased after 2010: If you see this, simply lift the part labeled "arm". It is the same process as the original tip, it just looks different and the part is smaller.

Example 2 The superior korky quiet fill. OH SHIT THERE IS NO ARM! Honestly, just dive for the shutoff valve. Or, if you are feeling adventurous, the white (sometimes red or blue) part lifts off (you may need to twist and pull, it snaps on) which will expose the float arm, which you then of course lift.

Those two styles and their knockoffs account for most toilets sold after 2010.

Good luck, and stop breaking things.

[–]Waul 96 points97 points ago

Something you could add: ever get that tingly, heavy feeling in your arms when you sleep on them? Move your neck left and right, like youre going to crack it almost. This will take the "pins and needles" feeling out of your arm.

[–]Cloud7654 24 points25 points ago

Totally trying this the next time my arm falls asleep. I get "pins and needles" so damn often and it's the worst feeling in the world.

[–]GiveJesusPants 17 points18 points ago

Hmm. Got anything for feet? Mine fall asleep much more often than my arms do. I'm down to waggle my ladybits if necessary!

[–]jsalazar3 148 points149 points ago

You may want to X-post on /r/lifeprotips or better yet /r/lists ( as LPT doesn't accept lists) as this may be removed. Just a suggestion!

Edit: accidental 2X post and other mobile errors

[–]ImNotJesus 59 points60 points ago

I approved it. Other mods might overrule me but normally updates are fine. 2 years later is stretching it a bit though haha

[–]eldog 83 points84 points ago

#7 What the fuck does "lectured into voice mail" mean? What am I trying to do or prevent by pressing these buttons?

[–]Signal_Maintainer 22 points23 points ago

i think he's talking about when you hear the voicemail greeting pick up from your friend going "hey sorry I missed you" you can press either of those buttons to skip to the beeeeeeep to leave the message

[–]fantomfancypants 6 points7 points ago

I figured it alluded to the frustrating automated messages that go on about callback numbers, leaving a fax, your mom's social, etc. before allowing you to just LEAVE A DAMN MESSAGE ALREADY JESUS CHRIST WHAT IS ALL THIS ABOUT

[–]Sarioth 52 points53 points ago

I keep trying #65 but nothing is happening . . .

[–]AKShockwave 87 points88 points ago

If you have Reddit Enhancement Suite then use it and press enter afterwards.

If you don't know what it is, it's the Konami Code, a famous video game cheat code. A lot of video games use it and some websites have special easter eggs if you try it.

[–]renvi 16 points17 points ago

What's the easter egg in RES? Takes me to the top of the page..?

[–]AKShockwave 25 points26 points ago

I think you might be doing something wrong then. It shoots bacon across the screen.

[–]renvi 16 points17 points ago

Oh fuck, I need to make this work now.

[–]AKShockwave 6 points7 points ago

Yes. Real bacon too. It's delicious.

[–]yoho139 9 points10 points ago

Install RES and try again.

[–]Svenly1 87 points88 points ago

In regards to #8, it works by reducing the amount of static around the magnetic reader.

[–]vdanmal 22 points23 points ago

I believe it's actually caused by the magnetic strip of your card becoming "smeared". This causes the reader to pick up false positives. By increasing the distance between the card and reader you decrease the chance of the reader picking up a false positive. Some places won't put your card through in a plastic bag however. Something about credit card fraud.

I'm on my phone so I can't verify if the above is true.

[–]ctolsen 14 points15 points ago

Nope, not really. Credit card readers pick up electrical pulses from the magnetic zones in the card when it passes through a coil. If the card is damaged, that signal might get messed up because nooks and scratches affects the reader too. That could lead to arbitrary errors in the reading, but it simply fails because the reader does a parity check.

Inserting a piece of plastic in between lets the magnetism do its work without causing erroneous reads.

[–]Fethis 89 points90 points ago

I tried #52 but it keeps falling out of my vagina. What does I do? :-(

[–]JokarJ 64 points65 points ago

You forgot #41-#49

[–]bacongobbler[S] 138 points139 points ago

My bad, I won't adjust the numbers though because people have already started referencing specific rules so it might do more harm than good.

[–]eduardog3000 38 points39 points ago

When/if you get new rules, put them at 41 - 49. Also, please put, "Don't Panic" as 42.

[–]Francopoli 49 points50 points ago

Update on #20. Take a picture of the front and back of all your Credit cards, debit cards, license, membership cards etc. Save the images on your dropbox in a .zip file with a password (7Zip will do this). If you ever lose your wallet AND phone, you can still get all your info. As a bonus, my parents know my dropbox logon and zip password just in case I get somewhere that they need to give me this info.

[–]SOMETHING_POTATO 33 points34 points ago

Alternatively, I photocopy everything, move out my desk, and thumbtack it to the wall, then press the desk against it. Could someone steal the shit out of my identity if they found this? Hell yes. But I'm banking on it being a lot more likely that I lose my wallet and want this to be convenient than that someone goes into my house, goes into my office, and moves my desk.

[–]Francopoli 16 points17 points ago

That is a great idea as well. What I like about the dropbox idea, however, is that if the house burns down, tornado etc, I get online and I can get my info, driver license number etc.

[–]djskyy 292 points293 points ago

Tapping on the top or side of a beer or pop can does not reduce fizzyness.

[–]sloth2 28 points29 points ago

Black = glass. yellow = finger You can set your finger on the edge of the glass of a slowly fizzing drink. I've tried it a couple times and it stopped the fizzing from overflowing!

[–]djskyy 15 points16 points ago

Yup, this works because the saltiness of your skin breaks the surface tension of the bubbles instantly. Frat boys have been doing it to their Solo Cups of beer for ever.

[–]kibitzor 102 points103 points ago

Agreed.

Snopes says false too

Best way to reduce chances of fizzyness is to open it in a pressurized vessel

[–]djskyy 79 points80 points ago

Or just put it back and grab a less shaken can.

[–]mainsworth 34 points35 points ago

Or just wait a minute.

[–]bside 28 points29 points ago

Yes, I've heard this one so many god damn times throughout my life and nobody has ever been able to provide an explanation or experimental proof.

Also, Snopes says no

[–]djskyy 4 points5 points ago

Mythbusters says no too, as well as chow.com, as well as plain old common sense.

[–]sean_themighty 15 points16 points ago

I signed in just to say #27 is verifiably wrong.

[–]FastFourierTransform 27 points28 points ago

#18 is wrong. It really depends on the city and the person working for the parking authority.

For example, in Pittsburgh a parking ticket is for 2 hours. I've parked and have come out to 3 different tickets on my car when I'd park for a day. And that was just for an expired meter.

For other typed of illegally parked cars that may just warrant a ticket, if the car is still there after a couple hours, they will tow.

In other words, I wouldn't put #18 to the test in any major city. Parking authorities have caught on to the ticket on the windshield.

[–]RafaDDM 22 points23 points ago

Guy in Mexico here, I know it's awful but I've taken a ticket off another car's windshield and put it on mine just so I can keep parking on an illegal spot. After I'm done, if I still find the other car there I return the ticket to its rightful owner.

[–]Lucas-Elzie 25 points26 points ago

The fact that you actually return the ticket to the rightful owner makes me believe you are truly a Canadian

[–]BelievesInGod 14 points15 points ago

Can someone explain #29 more to me? do i press the 4th then the 2nd then the 3rd then the 1st button to get it to work or what?

[–]flipmastertightness 112 points113 points ago

16 needs to be changed. There is an easier way to access the delicious innards of an orange. Please spread the word everyone needs to know this. Take your fingernail and score the peel from where the stem would have been to the bottom (think north to south pole) poke a finger inside and pull the two halves along the scored line apart. The orange will tear along a point of weakness which is where two slices meet. I teach second graders and have done this literally to thousands of oranges. It's the fastest way to peel an orange and you feel like the incredible hulk doing it.

[–]Downvote_Sympathy 104 points105 points ago

I've read your description of how to peel an orange and can't help but think of goatse.

[–]speedycat 55 points56 points ago

Orange you glad it's not actually goatse?

[–]DrCash360 25 points26 points ago

i dont have finger nails :(

[–]flipmastertightness 72 points73 points ago

I am sorry for your disability, perhaps stick to bananas.

[–]Dr_Awkward_ 23 points24 points ago

But make sure you peel them upside down.

[–]mthoodie 9 points10 points ago

Do you have to pull very hard?

[–]binocusecond 9 points10 points ago

cannot. wait. to. try.

considering trying on the only piece of citrus in the house, a month-old lemon.

[–]mathees 26 points27 points ago

We all know girls poop, but come on. They don't actually do #68, do they?

[–]GoghGirl 26 points27 points ago

Thank god for anonymity..

cough

I have no idea about the vagina part.. and no wish to ever try that, but I do know something similar. If you press the skin located between both the holes everything comes out easier. If I ever have a problem that seems to work well.

cough

[–]privatejoker 54 points55 points ago

68 disturbed the shit out of me

[–]arkmtech 12 points13 points ago

I see what you did there...

[–]g_borris 13 points14 points ago

At #60, Switched to audio books several years ago and cannot even imagine life without them now. Makes mowing the lawn or doing the dishes a fucking adventure.

[–]t0m0hawk 37 points38 points ago

When you step into a room and forget why you're there, simply go back to the room where you came from. Our brains compartmentalize thoughts based on the area we are in. Walking through an opening and into a new space will cause your brain to "reset" your extreme short term memory. EDIT: If you draw a dot, place an elastic on your wrist or whatever while thinking of what you need to remember to do later, looking at the object on your hand will remind you of why you put it there.

[–]Trylstag[!] 12 points13 points ago

The last study I heard about this topic was that the simple act of walking through a door is what caused the forgetfulness, and that walking back into the original room didn't acually do anything to help, aside from forgetting something else by walking through another doorway. Could be placebo effect, however.

[–]meeshkyle 30 points31 points ago

This will probably get buried, but Here is another one you can add:

  • This is if you fly a lot, and tend to buy a lot of the little bottles of alcohol during your flights which can be $6 each or more. Instead, got to the liquor store and buy them yourself (much cheaper). Put the bottle(s) with your 1 quart allowable plastic bag to get it past TSA. TSA will not confiscate the alcohol because it you are following The 3-1-1 Rule. Nowhere in the TSA regulations does it say you cannot bring alcohol in your luggage. Now if you are wondering how many bottles you may bring, the answer is as many as you can fit in your 1 quart bag. Picture for proof. I put this bag in clear sight when passing it through TSA. Each TSA agent saw the alcohol in the bag and did not even question it.

NOTE: When you are on the plane, ask the flight attendant for a coke, or different mixer for your cocktail, but DO NOT pull the little bottle out until you are out of view of the flight attendant. The flight's policy is that they want you to buy their alcohol, so as long as you do it when they aren't looking, you wont get caught.

Edit: Correction to "NOTE": flight attendants don't allow you to drink your own alcohol not for alcohol sales but because of regulations on over serving and not letting intoxicated people fly.

[–]tecnodromo 17 points18 points ago

126

Don't cut your pubes. Burn them. It's much more satisfying.

[–]Chesstariam 72 points73 points ago

Bartender here. #31 is bullshit. Every glass gets full ice and 2oz of liquor. No ice means more mixer. More ice means less mixer. Simple as that.

[–]aaronpike1 122 points123 points ago

Its cool guys, I brought more ice. I'm the ice man.

[–]jenchilada 19 points20 points ago

Come right on in to the concert, then! Have some free beer and a backstage pass, too. We won't even search you because, hey, you're the ice guy!

[–]jenchilada 8 points9 points ago

Good Guy Ice Guy.

[–]jadefirefly 36 points37 points ago

Not every drink that comes with ice involves booze.

[–]chamora 43 points44 points ago

It's not bullshit.

Liquor was never brought into the discussion, only the volume of liquid you get in the drink.

So, if you're getting a rum and coke, with no rum, and you want more coke, don't get ice.

[–]windjackass 8 points9 points ago

Bartender as well. If you order rum and cokes, and don't want ice, ask for it 'neat', if you want it a bit diluted with water, order it 'pressed', and if you want a lime, ask for a 'twist'. Chances are the bartender will judge you less than he was judging you before.

[–]jpr123 17 points18 points ago

Ex-Sonic Drive thru drink engineer (where I was told to fill it with ice, basically, unless the customer asked me not to) and frequent theater goer here: asking for no ice always results in more liquid. Part about the bar may be untrue but if you're just getting soda or whatever it isn't necessarily.

[–]GrizzlyBCanada 63 points64 points ago

Thought I'd let you know, tip #27 is blatantly wrong. I learnt in science it's the waiting that gets the fizz out not the tapping that 'scares it away', also tried it several times and made lots of friends look like dumb-asses. So yeah.

You have to wait for the fizz to stop. If you just tap and open, you're gonna have a bath time.

[–]bacongobbler[S] 111 points112 points ago

I love bath time.

[–]Batty-Koda 27 points28 points ago

Regarding 21, in my car the gas tank is on the driver's side. No arrow, little gas thing has the nozzle on the passenger side. Anyone using my car is screwed, apparently.

[–]PartyBusGaming 27 points28 points ago

Yup, that should be removed. Why not just park and look?

Bonus: Tell me what side mine is on. (1996 Toyota Tacoma)

http://i.imgur.com/XnDYm.jpg

Edit: What is wrong with you guys? Why not just get out and look? It would take 4 seconds MAX.

[–]Excesstential 45 points46 points ago

Toyota. Driver's side.

[–]PartyBusGaming 38 points39 points ago

You're disqualified. You have more than a child's knowledge of automobiles.

[–]imaunitard 97 points98 points ago

Say you find yourself to be extremely poor, sleeping out of your car and hopeless. You have one prized possession, a $20 mp3 player, to keep you company during the long nights. And oh snap, the earbuds stop working. How are you going to afford $150 Dre earbuds? How are you going to afford $10 Panasonic earbuds? Bitch, please. Get yourself to The Dollar Tree. Buy a $1 AM/FM radio. Remove earbuds from radio and hook to mp3 player...and let Jewel's "You Were Meant For Me" sing you to sleep.

Those have lasted me over a year with heavy use.

[–]fingered_a_butthole 59 points60 points ago

What...?

[–]tsells34 106 points107 points ago

Dude, your username provokes more questions than his statement.

[–]punchingtrees 26 points27 points ago

20 still needs an update. You don't need to put a hold on your card and you don't need to cancel it. You just tell them that the card was misplaced and they will issue you a new one, making the old card and number useless. This does not affect your credit.

[–]SimulatedSun 29 points30 points ago

Whoever wrote that tip literally has no clue how credit cards work. Yeah, CANCELING your credit card would be an overly drastic measure and show up on your account as a closed account. I can't believe anyone would be dull enough to do that. However, reporting it missing/stolen of course will not show up. I am really honestly amazed at some of these 'cheats'. I feel like I'm taking crazy pills.

[–]TheKittenConspiracy 14 points15 points ago

Do women actually do #68? I mean wtf

[–]WorstAnswerPossible 1188 points1189 points ago

You forgot stealing=free stuff.

[–]ImNotJesus 821 points822 points ago

and novelty account=free karma

#bitter

[–]timewarp 93 points94 points ago

Says the guy with ~190k karma.

[–]ImNotJesus 54 points55 points ago

I'm just jealous, it's an awesome idea for a novelty.

[–]twineandstone 25 points26 points ago

Read as:

I'm just Jesus

[–]BILL_MURRAYS_COCK 118 points119 points ago

I can't believe the hashtags have made their way in to reddit.

this is a sad day indeed.

[–]Batty-Koda 31 points32 points ago

No, that was covered with the vending machine one.

[–]IveBeenTrolled 48 points49 points ago

Tip #81: It's only illegal if you get caught.

[–]ComputerSavvy 26 points27 points ago

11: www.currentcodes.com is where I go to for discount codes.

[–]redditor-for-2-hours 33 points34 points ago

www.retailmenot.com is a good one as well.

[–]GuerrillaTicTacs 15 points16 points ago

regarding number 22, pretty much every toilet has a shutoff valve on an exposed pipe next to the toilet. I guess you can take off the lid of the toilet and use the ballcock (yeah, that's what it's called) to stop the flow faster, but really what you want to do is turn that shutoff valve to the right, scavenge for a plunger, and fix the problem.

[–]Vanofthedawn 125 points126 points ago

The update to #9 is untrue. Pores do not open and close.

[–]julietonnes 92 points93 points ago

I believe the expansion and contraction of the skin due to hot and cold water can cause the pores to become smaller and larger, though, which I think is what people mean when they say their pores open/close. I could be wrong, but that's the explanation I've heard!

[–]slipperyfist 34 points35 points ago

That's correct, but that would be like saying cold water makes your dick shrink. Cold water will temporarily cause your pores to contract, but they'll go back to normal size as soon as they warm back up. I take cold showers as I feel that they have many benefits, "closing pores" is not one of them.

[–]Sacriliciousmmmm 20 points21 points ago

Cooler water DOES, however, smooth down the cuticle of your hair, keeping it sleeker, smoother and helping it to dry faster. If you have color treated hair it also helps to keep your color from fading as your cuticle isn't being left wide ass open for your color to fall out. Also, ladies(and some of you dudes out there), for the love of science, DRY YOUR HAIR COMPLETELY BEFORE YOU USE A FLAT IRON OR CURLING IRON. Any moisture will create steam-heat and fry the ever-loving shit out of your gallant tresses.

[–]beldent 31 points32 points ago

That's a matter of poor word choice. The advice is still good.

[–]duodemon 19 points20 points ago

In reference to #31: Bartender here: if you're ordering an alcoholic drink and you ask for no ice or ice on the side, its not like I'm going to add more alcohol to your drink. I'm just going to add more mixer. Asking for less ice does the same thing. In fact, the less ice you put in a drink, the less cold it is, so the ice melts, watering your drink down further.

This trick will only work for non-alcoholic drinks - but since soft drinks usually have free refills, I guess it really only works for juice.

[–]Fuqwon 14 points15 points ago

I know this is the compilation thread, but...

If you have a soda or beer with a huge head on it you want to get rid of, rub your finger across your forehead and then touch the foam. It will immediately start to collapse.

[–]hennesbp 51 points52 points ago

27 is wrong though. the air that is normally left in the can becomes little bubbles on the side and bottom of the can, they then race to the top when you open it and force the liquid out too. you need to tap on the bottom and sides of the can to loosen the bubbles and let the air collect at the top.

[–]Carnyx 6 points7 points ago

Addition to #20, if you need your license number and either dont want to get your wallet (say you left it in the car or whatever) or lost it, google search "[Your State] drivers license calculator" There is actually a formula they use to figure out what its going to be. (I know it works for Florida)